Relationships and Family
Stuck Marriages
There comes a time in some marriages where the couple gets stuck. Honestly I can say after being married 9 years and walking with people in marriage for years… you aren’t stuck when one just REFUSES to take action. I lovingly say… that’s rebellion.
I’m not talking to those who have been working hard, keeping their face before God and working through personal growth areas. Although this may help you toward the end. Or the ones in extreme conditions like abuse. Depending on the situation, there are different things to consider in those cases. But for most other marriages I want you to understand that most marriages fail because ONE or BOTH persons refuse to get up and get real help. Where they open up and tell the whole story of their side and not only their spouse. Where they are willing to get healing from painful areas going all the way back to before they may have met their spouse.
It is typically out of lack of trust, denial, or fear of some kind. The flip side is… if you really knew the effects 10, 20 or more years down the road of how an irresponsible divorce would effect those sweet faces you raised and nurtured or the spouse you walked with. All of the excuses, the blame, responsibility shifting, and lack of obtaining help becomes completely foolish in the end. When either of you refuse to allow help from a person or a resource… all of your excuses will seem trivial in the wake of a destroyed marriage. Stop playing Russian Roulette with yourself, your spouse, and your children when you refuse help. Know that the way you process through your marriage does hold weight in GLORY. And it affects your life and the life of your children. You’re accountable for what happens with your family. DO WHATEVER IT TAKES. YOUR COVENANT, Your CHILDREN, your LEGACY are that important. How you process your marriage is how your kids learn of marriage. Go to wise counsel. Not just a buddy. Sincerely ask God to send someone, He is faithful and will show you who to turn to. And it doesn’t work when you constantly make excuses saying that there is no one, especially if you’ve not given God the opportunity to show up for you. Ask Him…
You CANNOT live according to the flesh and your own desires and feelings and expect GLORIOUS results. Sorry… our carnal nature doesn’t yield that kind of fruit.
HOWEVER if you’ve been acting responsibly about your issues, or you’re in serious danger, or you sought help, worked through your own issues, AND you allowed God to guide you through your decisions…. AND it STILL doesn’t work… you’ve acted wisely. You minimized much more than you can tangibly grasp even in the first few years after a divorce. But that doesn’t have to be the end.
In beautiful contrast, I’ve seen horrible marriages become beautiful ones. Some of which pleasantly surprised me. BUT it’s because they PUT IN THE WORK. They fought for their lives! First on their OWN issues (believe me it’s NOT just your spouse) and then toward their marriage. Choose BRAVELY and choose WISELY with your life. Like my husband, Morris Moore always says, “Each person in a marriage is respnsible for the damage in some way even if it’s perceived to only be 10%. Find out from God what your responsibility is and work on it.”
If you’ve reached the end of this and your thoughts keep racing… saying… but THEY.. my spouse won’t do anything about it. Then you’ve missed the whole point. Read again. It starts with you, your relationship with God, bravely admitting and processing YOUR stuff. You make the first move and pray for them to follow. But don’t focus on your spouse… focus on closely walking with the Father. That will take all of your energy. Let God take care of your spouse. Turn your thoughts of blame and hurt to God. This is to bless and not hurt you. It’s a post of love and fire to see your family succeed. It’s only impossible if you say it is.
Some resources that may help are the following books:
Click on the Title for the book link
Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas
Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
